Disagree Agreeably

If it be possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Romans 12:18

“Finally, all of you, have unity of spirit, sympathy, love of one another, a tender heart, and a humble mind.” I Peter 3:8 

Do you feel a need for guidelines on how to disagree agreeably?  At the Joint Ordered Ministry training event for Ruling Elders and Deacons at Eastridge Presbyterian  on November 4, 2012, we received a tiny folder titled “In times of disagreement, we will:”  It was adapted from “Seeking to be Faithful:  Guidelines for Presbyterians in Times of Disagreement,” adopted by the 204th General Assembly (1992) of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.). It is intended as guidelines in church situations.  I find it helpful in all relationships. See guidelines below.
 
In times of disagreement, we will:

ACT … in a spirit of truth and love;

RESPECT …each other, believing that all desire to be faithful to Jesus Christ;

LEARN…about the various positions on the topic;

RESPOND…after stating what we have heard and asking for any clarifications;

INDICATE…where we agree as well as disagree;

SHARE…our concerns directly with the individuals or group with whom we disagree;

SPEAK… from our personal experiences related to the subject of disagreement;

REFRAIN… from name calling or labeling of others;

FOCUS ON IDEAS… instead of questioning people’s motives, intelligence or integrity;

MAINTAIN COMMUNITY… with each other though our discussion may be tense; and

PRAY… seeking God’s grace to listen attentively, speak clearly, and remain open to the vision God holds for us all.

I find these ideas helpful in dealing with conflict.  As well-intended people we often respond based on our own perceptions.  We fail to take time to respect other viewpoints.  We give unhealthy responses:  “You’re wrong!”  Instead, our goal is to keep our emotions under control and respond with love and respect.  We need to be aware of our non-verbal communication as well.  Appropriate touch and humor can sometimes be a healthy response.

Each week during Lent this year, I plan to focus on two of the eleven thoughts of “In times of disagreement, we will:”  During Holy Week, I plan to conclude with a renewal of these guidelines through prayer.

Prayer: Dear God, it is easy to lash out in frustration and anger when we are confronted by persons who see things from a different perspective than what we do. Help us to follow your ways and listen attentively and respond with respect and love.  Amen.

Lois Poppe

Reprinted from 2013